TACKLING THE PROBLEMS
OF THE WORLD
by
Last night after my 3 am ritual trip, I decided to tackle the problems of the world while I lay there awake listening to the creaking gas well pump across the highway in what used to be my neighbor’s pasture. Since we all know that the world is ending December 21, 2012 we no longer have to worry about global warming or gas prices. Two problems solved at once.
The third one is the illegal drugs plaguing our country. Let the agriculture guys at Auburn or Mississippi State decide which college will find and insect to import that only likes marywana……cannabus ….hemp, whatever … and can eat 2 kilos a night. No more drug war.
The other school will develop a virus that will wilt all illegal plants within five miles. Spread it along the Mexican border and along the Pacific states back to the Rocky Mountains. It will also give intruders a mysterious illness that combines itching, vertigo, and impotence for 3 months. It would also turn the seeds to a potency of 4x habaneros. The rest of the months until December 2012 will be spent looking for ways to cool the pepper burns. Those ideas took me to 4 am. The next problem is the addiction to computers/cell phones/ smart phones. I decided:
- No adult shall be allowed to purchase, give, or rent the instruments or pay for the cost of using cell phones. Every teenager must present pay stubs proving they worked and bought them with their wages.
- All existing smart phones shall be set to go off at 5 am with return calls every 5 minutes. Clients in nursing homes may be enlisted to do this for early morning recreation. The latest equipment shall be provided to all persons over 70. No problem with them killing someone while texting in their wheelchairs and walkers.
- Later grandparents can text repetitive stories of life 60 years ago or even nag about chores needing to be completed at the teens’ homes.
- Since this horrendous addiction has spread to the young adults (those 30-50) let seniors pose as IRS and bill collection agents and call at 10 minute intervals during rush hour. Those who don’t work can be pestered by those posing as DEA and HDR officials. Phony sales bulletins could drive shoppers crazy and make them wary about advertising.
- Schools would be equipped with electronic white boards that set off alarms when phones are in use nearby and disclose the last 10 tweets sent on white boards complete with names.
- Since old folks have them there will be no novelty. All phones will look and work alike.
- The GPS will keep track of all who use phones in moving cars, record traffic violations, and send blue lights to apprehend all violators.
- Cars will be equipped with sensors that stop the ignition when phones are dialed or answered while in motion, causing 1000s of accidents initially but save lives eventually. This should reduce auto accidents, save lives, stop the drug wars, reduce the international debt crises, and provide time for all ages to repent and stop the end of the world on December 21, 2012.
6 am. Gotta go check Facebook and see what’s going on. Need to go online and find a Smart Phone I can afford, then hire a teenager to learn me how to use it. Before closing time I have to fax two letters and pay my bills online, then set the alarm on my phone. Someone needs to show me how to download the pictures for my fold-a-phone and get into the GPS app.
O heck, I can’t live without the gadgets either.
6 am I’ll just go back to sleep.
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